My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.