men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My background check bounced.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Very problematic
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.