3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
You Might Also Like
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I can fix him.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.