Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
oh my god
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*