Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
socratic questions
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Self-cleaning conscience
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
That’s easy for you to say