My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Breaking news:
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt