Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.