*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Story of my life…..
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive