I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.