sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*