you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Baking is just science you can eat.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE