Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.