Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.