*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m sorry…what?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.