[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Where’s my employee discount too?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey