This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.