Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions