Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?