When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.