You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.