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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered