Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
You Might Also Like
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My patience has stretch marks.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.