Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Sounds like a bargain
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.