In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I just love that new Pope smell.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?