I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
went fishing caught a bass
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Google assistant rules
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*