My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”