My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..