You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
You Might Also Like
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
mentally somewhere in italy
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.