boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You Might Also Like
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks