Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready