Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩