[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
rise and shine we got egg
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.