Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Yes my dude
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.