My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Social Media and Real life
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…