Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good