I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first