I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
When you’re here for the treats.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole