Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Tastes like chicken.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Here’s a meme
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.