When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*