when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Breaking news:
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.