Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night