Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You Might Also Like
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.