Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
can’t catch a break
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I am, perchance
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU