Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You got this…
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Wait a minute…
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?