You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine