If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
PLEASE READ
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
SCARY COSTUME
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL