SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Why would I want to fund a crowd?