well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My dad teaching me to drive
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.