Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Saturday
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I love the National Park Service.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*