You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!